On Inadequacy

I got a promotion…

Recently, I got a promotion. I’d been in my role for 2 years exactly. I had heard that in order to get a promotion, I’d have to interview multiple times because it was so difficult & competitive. I interviewed once. I was notified 2 days later that I got the job. Now, here’s some backstory. My current role, I interviewed several times for. It was a process of rejection that sent me into a depression. I wish that was a joke. It’s not. I had been denied the role for what must’ve been the 4th time. I got so depressed that I seriously barely left my bed for weeks, didn’t eat or drink & ended up with a kidney stone. It was this repeated rejection that played in my head and reinforced the narrative that I would not get the promotion I applied for.

Anyway cut to, two years later, I’m knee deep in a job search at external companies. I’m itching for a new level; for the next step in my career. I went for it. And. I got it. Let me explain what happened in the days that followed.

Day 1: Was called into my new boss’s office. Was told I got the job! Immediately responded with a resounding, “Are you sure?”

Day 2: Hadn’t really sunk in yet. Was so distracted by the news. I had been replaying what I thought was a terrible interview in my head for days. I hadn’t had proper sleep. And instead of finally resting- I began to worry about the upcoming compensation conversation.

I decided I wouldn't tell my parents until I knew what the compensation was & had some other details ironed out. I hadn’t even told anyone I was going for the role.

Day 3: The compensation conversation happens. I immediately feel a lump in my throat. It was a solid $10-15k less than what I was hoping for. There wasn’t room to negotiate for several ambiguous reasons. And to be honest there wasn’t really even a question of whether I was accepting the role.

I got this promotion. And after several days, no real sleep, and the let down of the compensation conversation- I was a puddle of tears. I called my mom, trying to identify the feelings that were flooding over me. I think it was shame? I have worked towards this goal for years. I thought once I achieved it I’d feel proud, empowered, worthy. Instead I felt embarrassed, ashamed & unaccomplished. I called my mom and I told her, through tears, that I had gone for a promotion, gotten it and somehow still wasn’t happy. There’s this weird feeling of anger at myself when ever I dont experience the emotion i think I should. Here I was getting something I worked towards but I still didnt feel like enough. I felt guilty for complaining about an amount of money that a large majority of the US population dont make. I felt disappointed that I was offered this. It really sent me down quite an introspective rabbit hole. Why don’t I ever feel like I’m enough? What amount of money is it going to take to make me feel like I’ve made it? Will I ever be satisfied with what I have or will I always want and work towards more? And what exactly is the “more”?

All the while, feeling guilty that I even got a promotion while my own brother struggles to find his footing in the corporate world. Feeling guilty that I got this promotion in the midst of this and it’s not enough for me. When there are people praying for what I have.

What does enough look like to you?

Is this capitalism’s fault or mine?

How do I fix the problems of everyone in my life so that I can free up space in my heart to celebrate my wins?

When will I feel like I’m good enough? Like i’m deserving of nice things.